July 03rd, 2017

It has been a culmination. Then a declination. It has been a couple of weeks now since the IAPS (International Association of Pastel Societies) convention. It was my second time attending and it was a great time. I recognized a lot of people from the last two years. Being my introverted self I kept to myself. Knowing full well I am rubbing shoulders with my contemporaries, yet feeling just a little isolated. That is my bad. I walked into this years convention, knowing full well what to expect. I just came through a marketing class in which drives home the point that one needs to know how to talk about your art and why you do it? Hence falls the declivity of my situation. As a good time was held by all, I came home not inspired to paint but into full blown depression about it. I was no closer to the enlightenment of my craft. I like to paint to challenge myself. I have no social context fallen before me. I am not full of angst in which I feel the need to fling my disgust onto a abstract piece of canvas so neither the artist or the viewer really knows why such a display is palpable.
I am not doing this for others, I really do it for myself. Really? 
I came home without a goal in mind. Only to tell myself "what now?" "where do I go from here"? I am no closer to the answer but I knew I had to quit lying to myself, get out of bed and do something!  I have this overwhelming concern of what other people think. I can not shake it. As much as I tell myself "it doesn't matter"....it really does. I do not approach others, nor do I go out of my way to tell people what I am doing. I am just an artist painting pretty pictures. No one pays me to do what I do. There is no monetary value in this. It has inherent value. Perhaps that is why I keep progressing. I was naturally born to play in the dirt. The dust falls through my fingers as I play. What else is there to do? The words of my father ring in my ears. You make your own heaven here on earth. I take that to mean you do what makes you happy. There is a plan. Things will fall into place. Sometimes you just have to listen a little harder, walk a little farther, and stay present to the day you are in.
I pull myself out of these dull moments, thankfully. I take each day as it is given to me. I remember, I forget, and every once in awhile I play.

The first plein air pieces that started to go right, a week after returning home.


8x8 on sanded paper

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